The Weight of the Journey: From 325 lbs to Finding My Center
For a long time, the number on the scale (325 lbs) felt like a definition of my worth. I spent years trying to shrink myself, eventually reaching 180 lbs, but the path I took to get there wasn’t paved with "health." It was paved with disordered eating, rigid rules, and a profound disconnection from my own body.
As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), I’m trained to help others navigate their trauma. But my own journey through the extremes of weight loss taught me something a textbook never could: You cannot hate yourself into a version of yourself that you love.
The Gap Between "Healthy" and Whole
When I hit 180 lbs, the world cheered. People saw a success story, but internally, I was struggling. I was trapped in a cycle of restriction and body dysmorphia. It wasn't until I assembled my own care team, including therapists, dietitians, and mentors, that I began to dismantle the disordered patterns.
We worked to find a sustainable middle ground. It wasn't just about the number on the scale anymore. Instead, it was about:
Body Composition: Focusing on what my body could do rather than just what it weighed.
Nutrition as Fuel: Moving away from "good" vs. "bad" foods and toward nourishment.
Weight Training: Finding empowerment in strength and the physical sensation of taking up space.
Why This Matters for Our Work Together
I bring more than just clinical empathy to our sessions; I bring a deep, lived understanding of the "all or nothing" mindset. Because of my unique background, I approach recovery from a multi-dimensional perspective:
Nutritional Science: With a BS and MS in Dietetics, I understand the physiological requirements of the body. I can help you cut through the "diet culture" noise with hard science, ensuring your physical foundation is secure.
Brainspotting: Traditional talk therapy is great, but disordered eating often lives in the subcortical brain, which is the place where "fight or flight" resides. Through Brainspotting, we can locate the physical spots in your visual field that correlate with emotional distress.
The Science of Performance and Healing
My approach is grounded in the understanding that both performance anxiety and disordered eating are often rooted in the body’s survival response. Whether you are an athlete facing a "slump" or someone struggling with body image, the brain can effectively become "stuck."
Research in the field of neurobiology supports this body-based approach:
Grand and Goldberg (2011) discuss how performance blocks often stem from "Sports Traumatic Stress." This requires a subcortical approach to unlock the "yips" or mental blocks that keep us from our potential.
Hildebrand et al. (2017) demonstrate that Brainspotting can rapidly reduce physiological distress. This is vital when we are trying to lower the "volume" of a food trigger or the panic of competition.
By combining the metabolic insights of dietetics with the neurological processing of Brainspotting, we move beyond "willpower." We address the spots where body shame and performance anxiety are held, allowing for a return to homeostasis.
The Goal: We aren’t looking for a "perfect" body. We are looking for homeostasis, which is a state where your mind, your metabolism, and your emotions are no longer at war with one another.
Processing Beyond the Plate
If you feel like you’ve been white-knuckling your relationship with food or your performance on the field, I want you to know that there is a different way. We can use body processing and emotional regulation to find a balance that feels like freedom rather than a cage.
Your weight is the least interesting thing about you, but your relationship with your body is one of the most important journeys you'll ever take. I’ve walked that road, and I’d be honored to walk it with you.
References
Grand, D., & Goldberg, A. S. (2011). This is your brain on sports: Beating blocks, slumps and performance anxiety for good! Dog Ear Publishing.
Hildebrand, A., Grand, D., & Stemmler, M. (2017). Brainspotting – the efficacy of a new therapy approach for the treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder in comparison to Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Mediterranean Journal of Clinical Psychology, 5(1). https://doi.org/10.6092/2282-1619/2017.5.1376
